Fun With Quasi-Catholics. Or, "Backpeddlers & Hypocrites Anonymous"

“The wages of sin is DEATH…”  Sage advice given to me by my best friend in high school.  Seemingly, it was to warn me against such things as premarital sex and thinking violent thoughts about my stepparents.  She got herself knocked up right out of high school and had to tell her parents 2 weeks after she got back from her honeymoon.  Her Catholic parents denied noticing how significantly pregnant she was when she stepped off the plane.  They also conveniently forgot how to count to 9 months…

“I AIN'T really NO CAT'LIC!  I DON'T DO THAT 'CHURCH-THING'…”  You know what they say about them ducks - If it sounds like BULLSHIT, looks like BULLSHIT, smells like BULLSHIT, there is most likely a bull arond somewhere.  There's also something about "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck...".   Don't believe it.  Nod and smile then walk, no - run! far, far away.  Isn't this what they say Satan does to trick you - tells you something that lulls you into a false sense of security and open-mindedness, then steals your soul and eats it when you're not looking?  They will say and stick by above, bolded statement for now, but just wait until the cards line up differently.  Then you'll see who really shakes the holy-water around and means it. 

If I may, I'd like to insert a suggestion:  Maybe it'd be a great idea to get yourself one of those little plastic bottles just for the fuck of it.  For example - at the exact moment of the great Flip-Flop, presumably when one or both of you is getting your "drink-on" on a Friday night (or perhaps it'll be when you've told the Great Non-Catholic you've no intention whatsoever of performing any of the sacraments on any children you might have together) you whip out your little bottle of holy water and perform one of the following: 

• Open it and shake it towards your beloved and announce loudly that you must CAST OUT SATAN!
• Twist off the top, stick a straw in it and start sipping; then act like it burns like acid.
• Tell him or her that you got this bottle from a man in black who lured you into the alley next to the church, sold it to you for a "great price" and told you it's great on the rocks.

“being catholic is better than being 'nothing'…”  One of my all-time favorites is the man who at one point during high school wanted to become a priest.  He attended the annual retreat with many of his classmates led by the religious instructor of his school.  After careful consideration it was decided that this was not for him.  He graduated high school, enrolled in college and got married.  Instead of the life dedicated to the cross and the cloth he opted for running up his credit cards, going into debt and cheating on his young wife all for the pleasure of porn.  Yessiree - sex clubs and foreclosure was the life for him.

Last I heard it was not a crime to subscribe to nothing; follow nothing - to never allow the strongly worded repute to sway personal beliefs.  People forget that every word spoken in each and every house of worship is an opinion.  Made up by men to explain a world of mysteries and keep order.  Used by monarchs to rule over people as commoners were not even allowed to read the gospels on their own.  Wasn't it actually almost a crime in those medieval times to do so?

So, in the big scheme of things, is it really so bad to not have a religion chosen for you or to pick one on your own when others just can't lead you?  In a recent heated debate a.k.a-argument, I was actually called "nothing".  Maybe my opponent should have thought hard about how to define the word before turning it into a flaming accusation - "risker of infant souls", "future resident of Purgatory", "peril of unknown origin or type".  Aren't your friends and loved ones there for support, unconditional love and more lenient and liberal-minded than the average  bible-thumping stranger? One would hope so...

Seems like Catholics and other religious dictators could learn a lot from "nothing".

Million-Dollar Resume, Baby! Or, Why it Should Be...

Based on the current requirements necessary for attaining the American Dream, this is a stupid question, I’m sure.  There is no inherent instinct or drive which propels me to hack-slash my way to the front of the line for that Golden Ticket.  There is also no Masters Degree or Doctorate to use as my Get Out of Workin’-for-da’-Man “Free” card.  For the record, I will also not sleep my way to anywhere.  Well, to be completely realistic I would not unless there is a RIDICULOUSLY huge payoff being offered AND you are also not a repellent specimen of man (or woman! – heck, for that “ridiculously huge payoff” I’m all for equal-opportunities).  I do have some standards...

All kidding aside, I should sincerely and thoroughly examine every quality and talent I possess which entitles me to earn upwards of an early-retirement-worthy salary: 

 - Writing:  This is a talent for which I’ve earned myself quite a reputation and even a couple of nice prizes.  Mind you, the commemorative dictionary awarded to me in the 4^th grade by Nickelodeon has my name spelled incorrectly and the guest-spot in a panel-discussion about an upcoming film bestowed upon me by Time Out New York went unused as it was on the wrong day on my calendar.  How stupid I felt when the booth-clerk told me, “Oh! That was last night”.  Nevertheless, this does not negate the fact that my poem earned a coveted spot on a children’s TV show once-upon-a-time and that my essay won first place in a popular, NYC magazine.  Being the Jack-of-All genres that I am, I also won a top prize package for T.O.N.Y.’s “Sweaty Haiku” contest!  It might even still be up there in the online archives…

As for the literary magazine submissions and contest deadlines – I’ve missed quite a number of those but I work almost 7 days a week usually only leaving myself only 1 – 1.5 days to get some much-needed and well-deserved lazytime.  Seems like the only people who get the gift of publication, mega contract-deals and book-touring are the folk who are independently wealthy or getting by on a trust-fund with time enough to spare for eccentric, creative hobbies.  You will find me secretly drafting and editing on my lunch breaks at work or during “down-time” (wink-wink) when all that is required of me is to mind the phones.  Honing my craft currently involves stealing time and calling it a “spreadsheet”. 


 - Sardonic Wit, a.k.a. “Witty Repartee”:  Not necessarily by itself, but fits well with the above in many cases.  I have been known to slay people (usually with laughter) and sometimes piss them off at the same time; although they’re never really able to put their finger on “why”.  Comes in very handy during arguments where I know for a fact that I am right and the other person is definitely not; or when the other person is assuredly way dumber than I am but is managing to piss me off in some annoying way.  Sarcasm – “The Wit That Bites Back!” 


 - Perfectionism:  Why does being anal-retentive garner such a negative connotation?  Sometimes being anal for details is not such a BAD thing!  Given the indiscriminate manner in which most people are awarded the privilege of an email account these days wouldn’t it be great if, in business situations, there was someone looking over our shoulder to remind us to use the friggin’ spell-check before we click “Send” or “Print”?  This also applies to folks who blog and sometimes even to hot-shot journalists who neglect to use Google, for-criminy’s-sake, to confirm the spelling of a proper name!  Since when did proper grammar and correct spelling fall out of favor in this country?  And what, in the sevenhells, does it say about us as a people that a former President of this country couldn’t even get the pronunciation of words like “strategy” and “nuclear” correct??  Had he someone in his staff with cojones enough to correct his hick-ass, then maybe we’d have at least won some Brownie-points for intellectualism.  Maybe not.  I digress…


 - Fashion Sense, a.k.a. “Knowing how to put together an outfit that fits well, matches artistically using a color-scheme, makes creative use of accessories and shoes,  takes into consideration hair, eye and skin color AND season of the year and ALSO employs creative and artistic use of hairstyle and makeup”:  Enough said.


 - Good Judgement: Firstly, see above.  Second, I have never been in a lineup; never hit rock-bottom as an addict to anything; have not graced the cover of any publication with my mug-shot nor has my face (or any other body part for that matter) appeared, accidentally or on purpose, in anyone’s adult-website.  Do relationships and marriages count?  I sure hope not…


I will leave off mundane, every-day traits such as loyalty, generosity and good-looks as I’m pretty sure nobody has ever earned a Fat-Mil with any ONE of those on its own.  If they say they did, it can almost be guaranteed they KNEW someone and are just embellishing the fact that they just took a backseat on the coattails. 

So if there are any high-level professionals reading this, take this as my Curriculum Vtae and why I am definitely a practical luxury item.  Figure out a space for me and I'll fit, guaranteed.  But if that space happens to be someplace secret on the sly you better be sure to send me a pic first! 

The Insolence of the "Triple-G"

Not to pinpoint or spotlight any individual columnist or magazine, but isn’t there an obvious problem here with this kind of advice?  Well, 2 out of the three G’s anyway… You know what I’m talking about – that whole idea that we must at least try to accommodate every perverse spousal whim and request; we must ‘give in’ and be ‘game’ for anything on the menu.  We must all be Yes-Men and Yes-Women when it comes to the sporadic bedroom anomaly.  Yesiree – bow, bend over and swallow; all at the same time.  Even if doing so engraves it permanently on our bedposts.  Doesn’t matter if it’s the grandest departure from the everyday we actually didn’t enjoy.  We must yield graciously and even gratuitously. Cause, y’know, we’d be selfish if we didn’t. 

F.W.D.= Freakin' Witless Denizens!

To the Witless Denizens Who Insist on Abusing the "FWD" feature:

Yes, that's right - "Freakin' Witless Denizens" is how you will be defined when you assault my mailbox with your mindless use of that God-forsaken "Forward" button.  I liken this feature of email to a pestilent syndrome with its unbiased destruction of healthy, smart neurons replacing them with massive areas of dead-zone, zombie-cerebrums.  Can you think of a more witless act than the brain-numbing use of the "Forward" button?

I will no longer pay any mind to the malignant chain-mail invitations as God and the Essence of Humanity truly does not care if I delete "The Lord's Prayer" or the "Prayer for the Soldier", “"St. Peter's Wish" or the countless “inspirational” Power Point presentations and He will not cast me into the fires of hell for not forwarding these items to every contact in my address book.  No, I will not have 10 years of bad luck or a shriveled heart for ignoring the aforementioned items.  The only “inspiration” that will hit me will be to DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!  In my humble opinion, this is the smartest feature ever created for email.

“My Inbox is NOW PURGED of all EVIL!!  Hallelujah!”  Now, isn’t that a great feeling?

Do not even get me started on the Amber-Alert emails preying on the worried-mothers who have nothing better to do in their trailer-park, gossip-mongering, talk-show-watching existence than click the "Forward" button while simultaneously being glued to OWN in the hopes of saving a stolen child.  Have they never heard of Snopes, Google or God-forbid the NEWS?  How about picking up a telephone and confirming the facts with the appropriate County's Sherrif's Department?? I liken the blatant lack of fact-checking (or blatant ignorance, if you ask me) nowadays to deeee-licious potential fodder for a civil suit.  Perhaps this need to abuse that “Forward” button is a simply an indicator of a deep-seated brain/personality defect.  Not sure which option rings more appropriate.

You see, it does not do anything to "forward" my thinking or my station in life to read and send onward the countless emails which plead with me to wait and see what happens at 11:15 AM the day after sending this malignancy onward to the required allotment of contacts; or to have a heart and send to as many as possible in the next hour so Bill Gates can donate $1 for every email to a kid with cancer in Florida, Philly, Kansas or Katmandu.

I will also not be any smarter, luckier, kinder or richer for doing so - this is a bold-face lie which plays on the human need for validation.

But I do not need to be validated via my email inbox and all the contacts it contains.  Email was created as a convenient, stamp-saving, tree-hugging alternative to paper snail-mail.  How many of us would DARE send a chain-letter onward to all of our friends & family members by SNAIL-MAIL??  Would any of us even think to write down stuff we heard on a late-night info-mercial and mail it to all of our contacts via the USPS?? The newest Maxine we read in the Sunday-paper?? REALLY, PEOPLE!!??

And why do you think that is?

You see, calling it a "Forward" button is an oxymoron if you stop and think about it:  It does not bring or move you toward a position in front.  It will not move you in a prescribed direction or order for "normal use" and it surely does not help advance or promote you in the eyes of the recipients of your misguided "Forwards".

So you're reading this and are either one of 2 things - insulted at the mere suggestion that forwarding emails is stupid and pointless.  Or you're sitting there trepidatiously considering forwarding this post to all of your contacts because maybe it makes a valid point.  Just consider it carefully before you click "Send".

Thank you,
L