F.W.D.= Freakin' Witless Denizens!

To the Witless Denizens Who Insist on Abusing the "FWD" feature:

Yes, that's right - "Freakin' Witless Denizens" is how you will be defined when you assault my mailbox with your mindless use of that God-forsaken "Forward" button.  I liken this feature of email to a pestilent syndrome with its unbiased destruction of healthy, smart neurons replacing them with massive areas of dead-zone, zombie-cerebrums.  Can you think of a more witless act than the brain-numbing use of the "Forward" button?

I will no longer pay any mind to the malignant chain-mail invitations as God and the Essence of Humanity truly does not care if I delete "The Lord's Prayer" or the "Prayer for the Soldier", “"St. Peter's Wish" or the countless “inspirational” Power Point presentations and He will not cast me into the fires of hell for not forwarding these items to every contact in my address book.  No, I will not have 10 years of bad luck or a shriveled heart for ignoring the aforementioned items.  The only “inspiration” that will hit me will be to DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!  In my humble opinion, this is the smartest feature ever created for email.

“My Inbox is NOW PURGED of all EVIL!!  Hallelujah!”  Now, isn’t that a great feeling?

Do not even get me started on the Amber-Alert emails preying on the worried-mothers who have nothing better to do in their trailer-park, gossip-mongering, talk-show-watching existence than click the "Forward" button while simultaneously being glued to OWN in the hopes of saving a stolen child.  Have they never heard of Snopes, Google or God-forbid the NEWS?  How about picking up a telephone and confirming the facts with the appropriate County's Sherrif's Department?? I liken the blatant lack of fact-checking (or blatant ignorance, if you ask me) nowadays to deeee-licious potential fodder for a civil suit.  Perhaps this need to abuse that “Forward” button is a simply an indicator of a deep-seated brain/personality defect.  Not sure which option rings more appropriate.

You see, it does not do anything to "forward" my thinking or my station in life to read and send onward the countless emails which plead with me to wait and see what happens at 11:15 AM the day after sending this malignancy onward to the required allotment of contacts; or to have a heart and send to as many as possible in the next hour so Bill Gates can donate $1 for every email to a kid with cancer in Florida, Philly, Kansas or Katmandu.

I will also not be any smarter, luckier, kinder or richer for doing so - this is a bold-face lie which plays on the human need for validation.

But I do not need to be validated via my email inbox and all the contacts it contains.  Email was created as a convenient, stamp-saving, tree-hugging alternative to paper snail-mail.  How many of us would DARE send a chain-letter onward to all of our friends & family members by SNAIL-MAIL??  Would any of us even think to write down stuff we heard on a late-night info-mercial and mail it to all of our contacts via the USPS?? The newest Maxine we read in the Sunday-paper?? REALLY, PEOPLE!!??

And why do you think that is?

You see, calling it a "Forward" button is an oxymoron if you stop and think about it:  It does not bring or move you toward a position in front.  It will not move you in a prescribed direction or order for "normal use" and it surely does not help advance or promote you in the eyes of the recipients of your misguided "Forwards".

So you're reading this and are either one of 2 things - insulted at the mere suggestion that forwarding emails is stupid and pointless.  Or you're sitting there trepidatiously considering forwarding this post to all of your contacts because maybe it makes a valid point.  Just consider it carefully before you click "Send".

Thank you,
L