All kidding aside, I should sincerely and thoroughly examine every quality and talent I possess which entitles me to earn upwards of an early-retirement-worthy salary:
- Writing: This is a talent for which I’ve earned myself quite a reputation and even a couple of nice prizes. Mind you, the commemorative dictionary awarded to me in the 4th grade by Nickelodeon has my name spelled incorrectly and the guest-spot in a panel-discussion about an upcoming film bestowed upon me by Time Out New York went unused as it was on the wrong day on my calendar. How stupid I felt when the booth-clerk told me, “Oh! That was last night”. Nevertheless, this does not negate the fact that my poem earned a coveted spot on a children’s TV show once-upon-a-time and that my essay won first place in a popular, NYC magazine. Being the Jack-of-All genres that I am, I also won a top prize package for T.O.N.Y.’s “Sweaty Haiku” contest! It might even still be up there in the online archives…
As for the literary magazine submissions and contest deadlines – I’ve missed quite a number of those but I work almost 7 days a week usually only leaving myself only 1 – 1.5 days to get some much-needed and well-deserved lazytime. Seems like the only people who get the gift of publication, mega contract-deals and book-touring are the folk who are independently wealthy or getting by on a trust-fund with time enough to spare for eccentric, creative hobbies. You will find me secretly drafting and editing on my lunch breaks at work or during “down-time” (wink-wink) when all that is required of me is to mind the phones. Honing my craft currently involves stealing time and calling it a “spreadsheet”.
- Sardonic Wit, a.k.a. “Witty Repartee”: Not necessarily by itself, but fits well with the above in many cases. I have been known to slay people (usually with laughter) and sometimes piss them off at the same time; although they’re never really able to put their finger on “why”. Comes in very handy during arguments where I know for a fact that I am right and the other person is definitely not; or when the other person is assuredly way dumber than I am but is managing to piss me off in some annoying way. Sarcasm – “The Wit That Bites Back!”
- Perfectionism: Why does being anal-retentive garner such a negative connotation? Sometimes being anal for details is not such a BAD thing! Given the indiscriminate manner in which most people are awarded the privilege of an email account these days wouldn’t it be great if, in business situations, there was someone looking over our shoulder to remind us to use the friggin’ spell-check before we click “Send” or “Print”? This also applies to folks who blog and sometimes even to hot-shot journalists who neglect to use Google, for-criminy’s-sake, to confirm the spelling of a proper name! Since when did proper grammar and correct spelling fall out of favor in this country? And what, in the sevenhells, does it say about us as a people that a former President of this country couldn’t even get the pronunciation of words like “strategy” and “nuclear” correct?? Had he someone in his staff with cojones enough to correct his hick-ass, then maybe we’d have at least won some Brownie-points for intellectualism. Maybe not. I digress…
- Fashion Sense, a.k.a. “Knowing how to put together an outfit that fits well, matches artistically using a color-scheme, makes creative use of accessories and shoes, takes into consideration hair, eye and skin color AND season of the year and ALSO employs creative and artistic use of hairstyle and makeup”: Enough said.
- Good Judgement: Firstly, see above. Second, I have never been in a lineup; never hit rock-bottom as an addict to anything; have not graced the cover of any publication with my mug-shot nor has my face (or any other body part for that matter) appeared, accidentally or on purpose, in anyone’s adult-website. Do relationships and marriages count? I sure hope not…
I will leave off mundane, every-day traits such as loyalty, generosity and good-looks as I’m pretty sure nobody has ever earned a Fat-Mil with any ONE of those on its own. If they say they did, it can almost be guaranteed they KNEW someone and are just embellishing the fact that they just took a backseat on the coattails.
So if there are any high-level professionals reading this, take this as my Curriculum Vtae and why I am definitely a practical luxury item. Figure out a space for me and I'll fit, guaranteed. But if that space happens to be someplace secret on the sly you better be sure to send me a pic first!
- Sardonic Wit, a.k.a. “Witty Repartee”: Not necessarily by itself, but fits well with the above in many cases. I have been known to slay people (usually with laughter) and sometimes piss them off at the same time; although they’re never really able to put their finger on “why”. Comes in very handy during arguments where I know for a fact that I am right and the other person is definitely not; or when the other person is assuredly way dumber than I am but is managing to piss me off in some annoying way. Sarcasm – “The Wit That Bites Back!”
- Perfectionism: Why does being anal-retentive garner such a negative connotation? Sometimes being anal for details is not such a BAD thing! Given the indiscriminate manner in which most people are awarded the privilege of an email account these days wouldn’t it be great if, in business situations, there was someone looking over our shoulder to remind us to use the friggin’ spell-check before we click “Send” or “Print”? This also applies to folks who blog and sometimes even to hot-shot journalists who neglect to use Google, for-criminy’s-sake, to confirm the spelling of a proper name! Since when did proper grammar and correct spelling fall out of favor in this country? And what, in the sevenhells, does it say about us as a people that a former President of this country couldn’t even get the pronunciation of words like “strategy” and “nuclear” correct?? Had he someone in his staff with cojones enough to correct his hick-ass, then maybe we’d have at least won some Brownie-points for intellectualism. Maybe not. I digress…
- Fashion Sense, a.k.a. “Knowing how to put together an outfit that fits well, matches artistically using a color-scheme, makes creative use of accessories and shoes, takes into consideration hair, eye and skin color AND season of the year and ALSO employs creative and artistic use of hairstyle and makeup”: Enough said.
- Good Judgement: Firstly, see above. Second, I have never been in a lineup; never hit rock-bottom as an addict to anything; have not graced the cover of any publication with my mug-shot nor has my face (or any other body part for that matter) appeared, accidentally or on purpose, in anyone’s adult-website. Do relationships and marriages count? I sure hope not…
I will leave off mundane, every-day traits such as loyalty, generosity and good-looks as I’m pretty sure nobody has ever earned a Fat-Mil with any ONE of those on its own. If they say they did, it can almost be guaranteed they KNEW someone and are just embellishing the fact that they just took a backseat on the coattails.
So if there are any high-level professionals reading this, take this as my Curriculum Vtae and why I am definitely a practical luxury item. Figure out a space for me and I'll fit, guaranteed. But if that space happens to be someplace secret on the sly you better be sure to send me a pic first!
No comments:
Post a Comment