Fun With Quasi-Catholics. Or, "Backpeddlers & Hypocrites Anonymous"

“The wages of sin is DEATH…”  Sage advice given to me by my best friend in high school.  Seemingly, it was to warn me against such things as premarital sex and thinking violent thoughts about my stepparents.  She got herself knocked up right out of high school and had to tell her parents 2 weeks after she got back from her honeymoon.  Her Catholic parents denied noticing how significantly pregnant she was when she stepped off the plane.  They also conveniently forgot how to count to 9 months…

“I AIN'T really NO CAT'LIC!  I DON'T DO THAT 'CHURCH-THING'…”  You know what they say about them ducks - If it sounds like BULLSHIT, looks like BULLSHIT, smells like BULLSHIT, there is most likely a bull arond somewhere.  There's also something about "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck...".   Don't believe it.  Nod and smile then walk, no - run! far, far away.  Isn't this what they say Satan does to trick you - tells you something that lulls you into a false sense of security and open-mindedness, then steals your soul and eats it when you're not looking?  They will say and stick by above, bolded statement for now, but just wait until the cards line up differently.  Then you'll see who really shakes the holy-water around and means it. 

If I may, I'd like to insert a suggestion:  Maybe it'd be a great idea to get yourself one of those little plastic bottles just for the fuck of it.  For example - at the exact moment of the great Flip-Flop, presumably when one or both of you is getting your "drink-on" on a Friday night (or perhaps it'll be when you've told the Great Non-Catholic you've no intention whatsoever of performing any of the sacraments on any children you might have together) you whip out your little bottle of holy water and perform one of the following: 

• Open it and shake it towards your beloved and announce loudly that you must CAST OUT SATAN!
• Twist off the top, stick a straw in it and start sipping; then act like it burns like acid.
• Tell him or her that you got this bottle from a man in black who lured you into the alley next to the church, sold it to you for a "great price" and told you it's great on the rocks.

“being catholic is better than being 'nothing'…”  One of my all-time favorites is the man who at one point during high school wanted to become a priest.  He attended the annual retreat with many of his classmates led by the religious instructor of his school.  After careful consideration it was decided that this was not for him.  He graduated high school, enrolled in college and got married.  Instead of the life dedicated to the cross and the cloth he opted for running up his credit cards, going into debt and cheating on his young wife all for the pleasure of porn.  Yessiree - sex clubs and foreclosure was the life for him.

Last I heard it was not a crime to subscribe to nothing; follow nothing - to never allow the strongly worded repute to sway personal beliefs.  People forget that every word spoken in each and every house of worship is an opinion.  Made up by men to explain a world of mysteries and keep order.  Used by monarchs to rule over people as commoners were not even allowed to read the gospels on their own.  Wasn't it actually almost a crime in those medieval times to do so?

So, in the big scheme of things, is it really so bad to not have a religion chosen for you or to pick one on your own when others just can't lead you?  In a recent heated debate a.k.a-argument, I was actually called "nothing".  Maybe my opponent should have thought hard about how to define the word before turning it into a flaming accusation - "risker of infant souls", "future resident of Purgatory", "peril of unknown origin or type".  Aren't your friends and loved ones there for support, unconditional love and more lenient and liberal-minded than the average  bible-thumping stranger? One would hope so...

Seems like Catholics and other religious dictators could learn a lot from "nothing".